The Very Secret Log of Captain Jack Sparrow
by ElvenPirate41
Summary: The title speaks for itself. Humorous slashiness and sarcasm accompany the antics of our favorite poncing pirate!


"The Very Secret Log of Captain Jack Sparrow"  
  
Work: Pirates of the Caribbean   
Character(s): Captain Jack Sparrow   
Category: Humor   
Rating: somewhere between PG-13 and R for language and, ahem, sexual content. And general perviness.  
  
Based on the Very Secret Diaries by Cassandra Claire.  
  
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**Day 1** – Have mind to go after treasure of la Isla de Muerta. Nothing better to do anyway as have been slapped silly by every strumpet round these parts.  
  
**Day 2** – Am getting crew in Tortuga. All the blokes in this area seem a bit iffy – have already run into three disgruntled old bf's. Hope none of crew is this pissy and clingy.  
  
**Day 3** – Oh crap. Ex-bf Barbossa wants to be part of crew, first mate no less. Will snap off witty remark about the size of his "cannon" and whisk back off to the Black Pearl. **Later:** Barbossa offered to do that nice trick with the apples if will make him first mate. Will not be tempted to indulge in fruit-related hijinx. Won'twon'twon't. **Still Later:** Barbossa v. persuasive and v. dexterous with apples. Have agreed to make him first mate, but only if I get bigger hat.  
  
**Day 4** – Met rest of crew. Massive pierced-to-the-nuts black dude looks like a kinky one. Pintel and Ragetti are **so**getting it on. False eye a bit unnerving, though.  
  
**Day 5** – Out at sea. Barbossa now wants to know bearings of Isla de Muerta. Told him this was why relationship ended in first place. Is far too whiny and demanding. Everything supposed to be equal share, though, so perhaps telling would be the right thing to do – HA! **Later:** Made Barbossa do apple trick twice before would give up bearings. Go me!  
  
**Day 6** – Barbossa a total ponce. Has marooned me on island with pistol and apple – for the memories, he said – and then buggered off with my ship. Bastard.  
  
**Day 7** – Poncing 'round island most dull. Nothing to do but write rude things about Barbossa in sand. **Later:** Have discovered secret store of rum! Now at least will die happy.  
  
**Day 9** – Oy! Ish tha' a ship?  
  
**Day 3682** – Sailed dramatically into picturesque port town on shitty-ass little boat. Paid off wig-clad wanker at dock and then stole his money! Go me!  
  
**Day 3683** – Having much fun toying with minds of silly little redcoats. Wonder if redcoats any good with apples.  
  
**Day 3684** – Oh look, broad seems to have fallen into water. Best play good pirate and save her. Maybe will get thank-you shag later. **Later:** Wet girl quite hot. Clingy soaking slip most appealing. Some sparkly wig git handled me and my "effects" a bit more roughly than expected. Suspected he might be a bit of a pervy pirate-fancier. Decided to play hard to get and act interested in wet piece of ass, which seemed to get his panties in a twist. Will ask him if he'd fancy making a Lizzie-sandwich sometime. **Still Later:** This is all too easy. Tossed off tagline and swung away on rope. Think Norry was secretly impressed.  
  
**Day 3685** – Well, who is this pretty little sod? Looks a bit like a bloody elf, if you ask me. Will whip out my spiffy pirate sword and give him some lessons. **Later:** Was bashed over head my scruffy man in apron getting all wonky and possessive over blacksmith kid. Most disturbing to self-esteem. In jail. Now must act indifferent and chuckle at the silly attempts of other prisoners to seduce hairy dog. When will they learn that dogs simply are not into that sort of thing? **Still Later:** Well shag me senseless, it's the Black Pearl. Had lovely conversation with a pair of unwashed crew members which involved some undead-ness and a near brush with strangulation. Honestly, just because not into getting it on with pile of bones and sinew these blokes get so touchy.  
  
**Day 3686** – Was having nice nap in straw when interrupted by elven blacksmith fixed on saving moistened bint Lizzie. All in all v. dull till found out he is son of William Turner. Still have fond memories of the creative things ol' Bill could do with those bootstraps. Cheekbone- enhanced son yanked off cell door with leverage-inducing bench. Ta-ta, off to commandeer ship.  
  
**Day 3687** – Unwillingly forced into more expository dialogue when troublesome kid started asking questions about Bootstrap. Left out details about romance so as not to corrupt innocent young eunuch's mind too soon. Threw in possibly suggestive comment about sailing under the command of a pirate, but not sure if he caught on or not.  
  
**Day 3688** – Took Will on field trip to Tortuga. Poor swot seemed a bit disconcerted by average BAC of 4 million and average cup size of DDD. Ran into a couple of old gf's. Number of times slapped: 2. Not v. good. **Later:** Went to visit Gibbs and discovered he had given in to animal tendencies. Knew he was an odd one (can we say muttonchops?) but had no idea was a pervy livestock-fancier. Had nice chat nonetheless. When mentioned leverage dumb sod thought was snogging kid. Corrected misunderstanding immediately. Idea still lingering, though.  
  
**Day 3689** – Asked Will if he'd savvy taking a peep at my "leverage" sometime. Suggested game of "shiver the timber." Only got blank stare in response, so went to find lovely lady instead.  
  
**Day 3890** – Gibbs came up with halfway decent crew, much to surprise. Anamaria still angry that made off with her poor excuse for a boat. Times slapped: 2. This is becoming a trend. Kept firm hold on banana to distract self from realizing her slaps make me all hot.  
  
**Day 3691** – Rainy. Icky. Am I the only one who thinks "Interceptor" sounds like "Intercourse"? Royal Navy deserves rude letter for that one.  
  
**Day 3692** – Sailing in rain most tedious. Was bored so asked Cotton if was interested in quickie below deck. After all, never done it with a tongueless parrot-wielder. **Later:** My, that parrot was a feisty one. Hope it left no serious marks.  
  
**Day 3693** – At Isla de Muerta. Think Gibbs misses pigs; looks lonely and in going on about "chills in his bones." Hope does not turn to me in his loneliness. Filthy pig-snogger. Will asked about my great escape off island. Told him lie about how made rope from my back hair. Could barely suppress laughter at look on his face. **Later:** went to cave but before could put plan to action was walloped by pansy-ass whelp. Head hurts like am being skull-fucked. V. bad. On plus side, plan is likely to succeed now as Barbossa just dying to know who can lift curse – but he's already dead! HAH!  
  
**Day 3694** – Back on Black Pearl. V. good. Damn, I've missed my lovey ship. Has fallen into bit of disrepair, though. Once have my ship back for good will do some remodeling and put it on Barbossa's charge card! Go me! **Later:** Taunt with ol' Barby most triumphant. Thought oral hygiene-impaired pirate like to explode when bit into apple. It's his fault he got cursed anyway. Hah!  
  
**Day 3695** – In own brig. Irony bit me on nice pirate ass. Hell, it's bloody wet in here. Hope don't catch cold. **Later:** Pleased as punch. Have gotten out of confining brig and am on merry way up to deck.  
  
**Day 3696** – Really fucking hate small jewelry-obsessed primate. Interceptor blown up and Will suicidal. His love for dear Lizzie a bit amusing, though.  
  
**Day 3697** – HATE Barbossa. HATE Will for not saving me. HATE Norrington for putting rumrunners out of business. Need good shag with Scarlett and Giselle. Am surely going to die on this island with barely-legal Elizabeth who is most definitely virgin. Will try and persuade her into drunken death-shag. Later: Rum sho nice. Have conshumed enough to drown shmall country. Lizzie sheemsh keen on game of "Shearchin' Fer Buried Treashure." La, la, la...  
  
**Day 3698** – HATE rum-burning wench. Nothing left to drink and Lizzie's interest in fun games complete farce. No sweet loving and no drink. Suicide not entirely out of question. Later: Well, stupid bint's ridiculous reasoning actually saved our sorry fannies. On down side, am now prisoner of pervy pirate-fancying commodore. Apparently wants me to be "silent as the grave." Well, if that's how he likes it...  
  
**Day 3699** – Was taking little stroll 'round Dauntless when walked in on Murtogg and Mullroy. Poor sods so surprised near wet selves. Was invited to join. Almost declined but realized was ideal time to learn of redcoats' abilities with fruit. Turns out are shy but not half bad with an apple and a couple of kumquats. Murtogg and Mullroy v. eager to please.  
  
**Day 3700** – Floating about in little boats with white-breeches-obsessed soldiers v. bad for digestion. Needed to get out so fed Norry load of tosh about diversions and the like. Pinched his bum just before leaving so even his little white wig turned pink. Love young butch types. **Later:** In caves. Saved Will and am engaging in massive fecking swordfight with Barbossa. Think is mostly because hacked feather on his hat to bits. Offered to buy him new one but is still trying to run me through. Some people so touchy. **Still Later:** Barbossa dead! Lizzie and Will together and so innocently in love! Have crown! Yay!  
  
**Day 3701** – Fork. Pearl gone. Norry all military-esque and is dragging me back to Port Royale. Would shag way out of captivity only nowhere to go since on open sea. Blast.  
  
**Day 3702** – Still sailing. Locked in brig. Wish had been allowed to keep crown.  
  
**Day 3703** – On gallows. Stupid ponce got my name wrong. V. rude and inconsiderate. Wish there were some hecklers or something like that so at least final moments would be amusing rather than boring-ass reading.  
  
**Day 3704** – Still on gallows. Hell, this is dull. Vendors starting to sell little plastic gallows toys and Cracker Jacks. Wish my hands weren't bound. Am hungry.  
  
**Day 3705** – Surprise, surprise! Will to the rescue! In a well- choreographed fight nearly escaped guards and then Will jumped to defense again. Sensed way out so came up with some excellent parting words. Told Swann wig makes him look 10 years younger. Told Norry was welcome to pop 'round anytime for quick shag. Told Lizzie she was smokin' in her little hat. Told Will a bit of oil does the trick every time. Think all were a bit bewildered. **Later:** Fell off wall and am back as Captain of the Black Pearl. Parrot glad to see me and Anamaria considering welcome-back snog! As those nancy Navy men would say, **HUZZAH!**   
  
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LOL, what do you guys think? I had so much fun writing this one...


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